Doom's Day Diary - Day 21

So here we are, at the end of letting you have a peek-a-boo in my inner and not so inner life.

Thanks to all who stopped by and thanks to those who were afraid to read, too.

This end of the year will tell if 2013 will be a nightmarish one or a whatever one.

It is totally your choice.

You know what you have to do.

I have nothing to lose anymore.

And I am prepared, both for nightmares or for whatever.

If there had been a device to erase the memories, I would have chosen to use it without blinking.

And everybody would have been happy.

But there is no such thing.

In other news, I wish you all wisdom and genuine people in your life.

From today on, light started to get its power back.

And darkness will cringe.

It is again your choice.

To stay with the dark, or walk away with more light in your eyes.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 20

Do you know how it is to go and have your breasts stretched as if they were chewing-gum?

Do you know how it is to wait for a mammography result, while you are all alone?

Nobody by your side, nobody outside, nobody at home?

Can you even imagine the hollow feeling and the thick fear?

Can you picture a clinic as cold and as empty as a stadium in winter?

While people are running outside with gifts and colored wrapping paper?

The desperate moment when the doctor calls you inside.

And all you can do is keeping tight your mobile in your hand.

As a crutch.

Well, I have a wish for those who have hurt me on purpose, and without any proper reason these last 2 months.

I don't wish them a disease. Nope.

I wish them to feel the same one day. I wish them the same pain and loneliness.

For couple of moments.

And that day may they remember me.

Blessed be.

P.S. All the other daily events faded to the point of nothingness compared to this one. Now do you understand why I don't give a cockroach on you or some other low life?

P.P.S. I have developed a thing for cockroaches lately. They are disgusting and fascinating ugly. I used to be afraid of them. Not anymore. 

Doom's Day Diary - Day 19

Nostalgia hit from the very first hour in the morning.

The magic brought by night travels through the world of possibilities.

The passionate kiss.

The dream with the missing trains.

Even better the dream with the plane flying to New York, while I wanted to go into an opposite direction.

Freud would have called me a perfect subject for interpretations.

Forgetting irremediably about my eyes check appointment.

Like seriously. So thanks.

Turning off all the distractions and working like a maniac.

The joy, peace and relief of talking to my spectacular man.

Follow. Unfollow.

The burden of solid rock sadness.

For a second I thought tears dried out.

Nope.

Acknowledging the loss of some kilos.

Not impressed.

Fearing January darkness.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 18

Peak of nausea. Sartre would have been proud of me.

When evil is not around, waters are calmer, though boiling deep down.

Cringing at lack of time.

The rising pressure of Christmas holidays.

Each second passing by... an effort similar to the ones I believe only a woman in labor can experience.

When you feel that your entire body collapses, but you are screaming for life.

Doing something out of nothing.

Educating.

People getting even more insane.

Shutting down the engines of anger.

Ignoring the world problems. And not because I don't care. But because I can't anymore.

I have become a ball of pain hiding inside my own bigger ball of pain. A "mise en abime" torment.

Loss outbursts and tearing in the corners.

Unseen.

Invisible.

"Cinematic" fantasies.

The made promise shall be kept.

Amen.

Doom's Day Diary - Special Edition

Today I am not going to talk about myself.

Today I am going to give credit to the most spectacular man I have ever met.

Today I am going to say thank you to the man who has always kept his promises.

To the man who has always spoken to me in facts, and not in words.

I know he is reading my blog from time time.

I know he will recognize himself and I hope he will smile.

We met in special circumstances and this is how our relationship has stayed for more than a decade: special.

He saw me in my strong moments, but also in my weak ones.

He saw me beautiful and not so beautiful.

He watched over me, without judging. Instead he was guiding me with his silence and his deeds.

We don't talk much nowadays, but when we do, each and every word has heaviness.

He is the rock, which never asks for anything in return.

He is the only one who "fixed" things for me, exactly at the right moment.

Because he believed in me from day 1. Unconditional.

Because I believed in him from day 1. Also unconditional.

Because he is exactly how a man should be. Strong, objective, but also sensitive and deep.

Because he is the only one who can look into my eyes, while shameful and hurtful tears are shed.

And because he knows how to smile and tell me without words that everything will be just fine.

Because he cares. Genuinely.

And because he has always known to accept my love and respect with the elegance of a gentleman.

I look up to him. I will always do. Because he is really a Man.

Thank you, Angel.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 16

Again one of those dreams where I could touch you.

Where you were waiting for me.

And only me and you know how incredibly well you master the waiting.

If my connection with you hadn't been that strong, most probably I would have remained in the dream.

Life though, more specifically the phone, pulled me off paradise.

I thanked to my sisters in nature who listened to my plea.

Because a plea coming from a pure heart always finds its way to our ancestors.

Filing official complaints.

Pizza and green salad.

The mask.

My best friend's reassuring words. Her sarcasm and understanding, in spite of calling me crazy for accepting this crappy situation.

For showing too much understanding.

"Burn down the mother fuckers. Who cares about the mess you will swim in? I will be here with you all the way."

Molding the hatred into love for myself and for the one who died.

Filling the emptiness with more emptiness.

I understood that the world as I knew was no more.

Adapting.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 15

Not even 10 days have passed since I told you one of the possible options: let me imagine you died.

Outraged, you asked me: how can you think of such an extreme solution? Can't we be just friends?

Couple of days later, who was the extreme exterminator?

Without even having a decent, polite good-bye?

Just because you were threatened?

If you consider yourself tough, why don't you tell your friends, your family and the world what you did?

I give you this chance. By the end of December.

And you will spare me of the effort.

Trying my new blender.

Awesomeness.

I unfriended  you several days back. It wasn't enough.

You blocked me. AGAIN without a proper Social Media reason.

This time I will file an official complaint.

I do not accept cheap and hurting gestures imposed by a total stranger, who better takes some spelling classes.

As a matter of fact, ANY classes.

The countdown began.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 14

Last night dream was a peaceful one up to a point. Showered in a dark mysterious green light.

The first lines I saw in my daily 5 minutes morning coffee reading:

"The dream was green, Bran, and the green dreams never lie."

What do I encounter when turning on my laptop?

Blinding green neon.

This is when I understood why the dream turned into a nightmare, once the ugly appendix came into the picture.

I remembered how I cried for your loss couple of years ago in December.

Far away from you, helpless I could not be there to support you.

What did you do this December?

The so called religion was just a facade.

Or too weak to temper the grossly disgusting demands.

One day of work washed away because I forgot to save anything.

Do you want to keep these auto-saved documents?

I clicked No.

Because the shock sinking in cancelled even the most elementary functions of my intelligence.

Thank you.

For this and also for the permanent nausea.

I appreciate your gifts so much that I really want to repay you equally if not more.

Appalled with the increasing quantity of evilness that surrounds you.

But I admire the sleekness and the strangling force.

Do you know that some female cockroaches only mate once and stay pregnant for life?

Doom's Day Diary - Day 13

The lack of minimum human decency continues.

F***ing awesome!

So for this I was thinking of the best curse ever.

May you remember me every day for the rest of your life.

While I can talk about you, you will not be able to.

As you are in a willingly chosen cage.

The striking thing of the day was the ugliness. I mean shit ugly.

No make up or gold or diamonds could hide it.

The next item on the list: the lie which blinded everybody.

It hurts, isn't it?

It should.

The knots of hatred are growing in number.

The still uncleaned mess you created and the consequences that will come.

Grinning.

Sickness.

The moment when you realize the liberating power of unrestricted anger.

The face to face discussion with a person who sees the sparkling light in you.

Wow moment.

Red Christmas apron with white fur.

Blocking without mercy.

Mourning your death.

Everything starts now.

Be prepared for the past ghosts and skeletons.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 12

Today we will keep a moment of silence for the ones who chose to "kill" themselves.

PS. Forgive them Father cause they don't know what they are doing. And if they did know, show them the right way. And if they still do it, then forget about them.

One cannot fight stupidity. Not even God. 

Doom's Day Diary - Day 11

Throwing up for one hour straight. You sick f**k.

The amount of snow outside is unbearable.

Dragging myself to the doctor.

Decided to tell mom the whole story.

Her curse is way stronger than mine.

Your today jokes and your lack of minimum decency will turn into your nightmare.

Soon.

The plumber did it this time. After scratching his head for one hour.

It's warm inside.

It helps with my permanent shaking.

Choosing black clothes for tomorrow. One cannot mourn in pink, right?

Common friends still entertaining the Mimosa Pudica? OUT.

When they see with whom they are dealing, they will understand.

My plant died over night. So did my soul.

I have nothing to lose anymore.

Watching over your shoulder?

You better.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 10

The most heartbreaking day of my life.

Again not because of me, you or the insane, painful and mind-blowing situation.

But for WHAT.

This is my only reproach.

A fatal one.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

As I am a person who keeps her promises.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 9

The first thing you lay your eyes in the morning will set your mood, too.

I miss us. This is an undeniable fact.

Always will.

Talking about magic moments.

Reading through several books.

Nothing gripping.

Music and a rediscovered pleasure even if for a short time.

A steady nausea feeling, as I worry.

Only this time, I refuse the empathy wave, as I am not strong enough.

More insight about the grieving mistress. Images that would make a movie a hit.

The story of the mice hidden in the shoes.

The never-ending snow outside.

Looking for the inner light, but failing. Too many dark blankets cover it.

Tired of fighting and thinking objectively.

Fringe.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 8

Expectations. Lack of expectations.

To be or not to be.

Swirling around and forcing myself to be.

The questionable coincidence of suffering the same pain, in the same place as my dead.

Are you listening?

Pills didn't work, so I had to do what I had to do.

Biting cold.

Broken zip. Too late to come back.

Freezing, but kept going.

Blending with the crowds.

Lost among books and perfumes. For what? Or for whom?

People talking to me just to meet my empty eyes.

I didn't understand a word.

Collapsed bridges.

Indifference and hollowness.

Loss.

One more hatred knot.

Subdued pain.

Conclusion? Don't believe in coincidences. It's all coming from evil forces.

And evil forces don't go away with pills or I am OK thoughts.

They need to be fought back with even darker forces.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 7

A hysterical person from first hour in the morning.

Trying to get rid of the black dog image in my dream. Kicking its teeth with so much hatred.

Unexpected call of support just to be told that I am loved.

Heart still running around in the chaos of pitch blackness.

Life still goes on as if nothing happened.

Discovering new gmail options.

The psychology of the Dark Passenger.

My favorite taxi driver picking me up from the bus station and giving me a ride home.

Free of charge.

His genuine question: How is pappa?

Yogurt cakes.

Blinding white.

Stating what I want and I will never get.

Squeezing even more stuff for an insane busy week to come.

No news from my best friend.

Mom trying to dig into my distress and absentmindedness.

More tears shoved deep down.

Brownish hair color.

Too serious for dramatic changes.

But the blonde is on its way.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 6

Commedia dell arte was an exaggerated and too elegant term.

Cheap circus for others to enjoy and gossip about is more appropriate.

2-3 hours of staring, while taming the new wave of anger.

Discussing the meaning of death rituals.

To bring order to the chaos created.

To deal better with the angst.

Men who still know how to compliment in good old fashion style.

Appreciation.

Conspiracy signs.

The advantages of having a technical background, too.

More precisely to know that a machine is not just a machine.

To assess the risks in a bigger perspective.

People looking up to me for a change.

The unimaginable pain of a mistress who cannot see one more time her dead lover before the funeral.

The knots.

Vous etes malade?

Ugly hand-writing.

Empty postal box.

So late for everything.

The change of heart just a very bad illusion.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 5

An ugly day like never before.

A chain of confusing and hurtful messages.

A discussion that ripped off my heart, my mind and my soul.

The constant presence of the stabbing pain.

Oceans of tears.

As if the loss feeling wasn't enough, bang, the news of a death.

Supporting my best friend going through the ordeal.

From the distance.

Hating even more the place I am in.

Loyalty and love still washing away the past several days frustrations and anger.

Life is short acknowledgement kicking in.

More stabbing pain.

The bridge.

Empathy.

Commedia dell arte happenings. Sad ones.

And not happy at all.

Snow.

Trying to find the friendship way. Is it possible without burning myself in the process?

Keeping tears under strict control while talking to mom.

Dad finally sounded normal after 3 nightmarish months.

He even wanted to go shopping.  

Doom's Day Diary - Day 4

The yesterday later never came.

Just a sordid and unconvincing excuse.

When the dawn was cracking the sky and I was fumigating the room.

The black hen which was trying to steal what was mine ended up in a cage.

The nightmare turned into a dream with white high-heeled pumps and lots of colorful gems.

The landlord is back, so is the plumber. Next week.

Discovering I can handle myself in making appointments in my not so cool German.

GIFT equals POISON. This was the perfect candy.

The pain in the middle of the brain spinning and screwing my eyeballs.

Giggling when reading most stupid stuff ever.

Invisible to many.

A warm country possibly no longer just a dream.

An opening.

Still waiting based on the last shreds of respect.

Love is just a theory. And a very bad one.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 3

Snow. And snow. And more snow.

Reports. And reports. And more reports.

Fixing up my agenda to squeeze a doctor appointment as well.

Whimsical, mind-blowing and sexy discussions with my landlord about... heaters. (sic!)

Networking. In office.

Unfollowing.

Showing signs of trust by accepting to share a part of my humiliations.

Talking with dad about wine.

Pretending.

Avoiding to answer mom's question if something bad happened. For the 4th day in a row.

This woman has such an intuition.

Ignoring.

Taming down the anger.

Waiting for later.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 2

Cold day has risen from a sleepless night.

The silence of the depleted trees.

Dead phone.

The stingy heaviness of my left breast shows no improvement.

Folding laundry in mechanical moves.

Furious exchange of e-mails.

People going on with their lives.

Hating all the Christmas updates.

Still candies and chocolates.

The pain inside my brain, behind the eyes.

Torturous blinking.

No sign of justice.

The second knot of hate.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 1

Silence.

And more silence.

Black clouds and biting frost.

A call from which I don't remember anything.

The coffee machine grinding and spitting the hot liquid.

A forced sms.

Emptiness.

More anger.

More venom.

Strands of hair turning white. Penetrating easily the black color shampoo.

The pains in the left breast.

Candies and chocolates falling and exploding.

Cooking in the virtual world.

TV show episodes chaining one after another.

Seeds and milk and cigarettes and the urge to delete everything.