Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Touched by teenage-hood insanity

A few nights ago I read the diary I kept when I was a teenager and I experienced a tremendous session of hysterical laughters. It's useless to mention that I found all the clich├ęs specific to young ages (12-16): secret alphabets, schizoid moods (I quote: "I am the saddest person in this world, because X doesn't love me. Oh, my mom is going to buy me a fur cap. I am happy, happy.", miserable quotes, songs lyrics and lots of drawn hearts and incredible amounts of exclamation and question marks.

Later a sort of nostalgia hit me and I realized I was laughing because in the long process of growing up (now speedily approaching an age when I was supposed to have myself a teenage kid) I lost my innocence and the strength to reveal my feelings exactly as they were. I forgot the black and white expressions and I simmered in seas of gray tones. I forgot the pureness of writing down exactly what you feel, because it's sort of ridiculous. Mature women are supposed to be cynical or at least to show some self-confidence and a patrician resignation.

Then I decided I need to learn again to play and to my disgrace and awe I chose "poetry". For fun. Twitter style. The reaction of people was puzzling. Everybody encouraged me and they seemed highly enchanted by my little "pearls". That's why I decided to post them here,too for the record. As a back-up.

"I wrote your name on each and every stone/Then each and every step hurt my bare feet."

"I chained my words for you inside my battered heart/As you considered them too pungently tart."

"I carved your far away features in the trees bark/And then the leaves were smiling and blinking at me."

"I buried your unspoken touches deep down my body/And so I learned the howling yearning."

"Sweet surrender was my candid tribute/So why you trample it and painfully contribute?"

"Humbly my soul didn't ask you for the ticket when you came in/But why did you have to plunder it when everything was free?"

"You are smooth, and clean and green/Lemon flavored gelatin." - ode to my dish cleaner in a jingle style. :P

"I turned my eyes to you expecting a miracle/To find the wind solacing your faded wrinkle."

"Fearless and fair maiden shelter thy eyes/For thy king's heart is melting into ice."

Conclusion? Playing with words brings back pieces of genuine smiles from old times when I was not afraid to say what I was going through. Ridiculous? Maybe. But the catharsis effect deserves all the efforts and all the grins.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

When you don't want anything anymore...

I have just realized that there are worse things in life than pain, numbness, angst, sufferings, sadness, anger, depression...(you name all those fearful dark words). That split second when it hits you that you don't want anything anymore.
When the smallest zest of life is gone.
When desires soap balloons.
When you look around and you don't find any meaning whatsoever.
When you watch all those little things that were so precious, but which are now just things of no concern for you.
When future is reduced to the infinite zero, as you don't care anymore what will happen from now on.
When people seem strange puppets and you cannot understand who they are.
When nothing moves.
When void is perfect.
Fear it is the scariest and the freakiest brain click in your life.