What do you see?

"What do you see?"
"A woman in a grey coat, carrying a heavy laptop and a dog in leash. She is walking fast. Her eyes are pinning the asphalt."
"You are wrong. You see a woman who loves her work and her pet. You see a perfectionist. Somebody with ambition. A little bit unhappy, but a fighter."
"Hmmm..."

"What do you see now?"
"We are passing by an ugly house, where there are no flowers and just an old, ugly tree is hanging there in the front yard."
"You are wrong. You see an old house. A melancholic one. Deserted, yes, but still standing. She finds comfort in her lifetime buddy, the only one who has never left her. The one who is telling her every spring: come, come, dear friend, we might be old, but look at my foliage. It's here, only for you."
"Hmmm..."

"And what about now? What do you see?"
"I see a teenager, smoking on a bench. He has empty eyes and he is dressed all in black. Oh, and near him a dirty notebook."
"You are wrong. He is a young boy, lost in thoughts. He has just hurt his girlfriend and he is scared. He doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness. The notebook is his only comfort now. It is his journal. There you will find all the poems he wrote for her every night. He has never had the courage to show them to his sweetheart."
"Hmmm..."

"I smell fresh coffee. So what do you see inside the coffee-shop?"
"A bunch of strangers, drinking and eating."
"You are wrong. You see people enjoying themselves, people leaving the comfort of their houses, friends chatting, and loners who smile when they receive the steaming cups with creamy hearts beautifully drawn."

"Okay. I give up. I need to ask you. How come you see all these things?"
"I lost my sight two years ago, but my heart still can see."  

Open letter to God

Dear God,

You know I haven't been among the best of your supporters and believers, but in my sincere and honest way  I carried you all along inside me.

You know I haven't been the wisest, but I did ponder over things and I tried to act in such a way nobody was hurt.

You know I haven't been the most beautiful (far from it actually), but I did my best to be a pleasant presence wherever I went.

You know I haven't been the smartest, but I have never stopped learning and forcing my limits.

You know VERY WELL I haven't been the luckiest, but this motivated me to work even harder.

You know I haven't been the wittiest, but I have always tried to make people laugh.

You know I haven't been the most generous, but every person I loved felt like a king or a queen around me.

You know I haven't been the most pious one, but I have tolerated with an open heart all the people around me, no matter the creed or sexual orientation.

You know I haven't been perfect, but I have always tried to give back something good.

Well, dear God, I am tired.

It's time for you to do something as well.

Because so far I have received from your children only deception, rejection, cheating and betrayal. As a bonus, you gave me sickness. In body, spirit and heart.

And not one single moment of happiness.

All the "positive" aspects have always stayed under the sword edge.

Every time things seemed ok, I knew it was just for a brief second.

And I am fed up with it.

Be a sport and prove me I was wrong all along.

Give me a chance to say thank you. With love.

Of "love", real love and the other side of the coin

I have earned my right to talk about a feeling people use too easily to describe what they go through.

Age, personal experience, stories of close and not so close friends, a fair amount of relationships, times of despair and "happiness", thousands of words read and written do not make me an expert, but they give me the confidence to evaluate and define what love is.

It is generally believed that the base of any relationship is love. Once this ends from various reasons, it goes into oblivion, taking forms like friendship, indifference, or forgetfulness. All based on the survival processes like "letting go", "moving on" and other inventions of sort that Internet articles and friends talk SO love to highlight in moments of "soul crisis".

If that is the case, I am sorry to wake you up, but you have not been in love. You experienced infatuation, ego enhancements, crushes, lust, mutual interest or fear of loneliness relationships. So accept the truth and stop talking about love.

Real love cannot die. Real love goes on infinitely, as in a perpetuum mobile, feeding itself on its own energy. Real love stays inside you and one cannot fight it with wise stories, advises or self-control. Real love is an overwhelming power that cannot be tamed by anything. Real love kills you every second and gives you birth every second, too.

Then, the big question comes. What happens when real love is betrayed, hurt, mocked at, despised or shattered by the counterpart?

In exceptional cases, it manages to keep flowing as a positive stream of feelings. I personally have never met anything like that. But I don't deny the possibility.

Most of the times though it turns into an equally powerful universal intangible machine, and that is hatred. And as real love keeps growing with time, the same it happens with hate.

And while real love comes with incredibly crazy and romantic gestures that can make anybody cry with happiness, hatred comes with a tool to be feared: revenge. On a long term. Until the possessed one dies.

Avoid real love if you are not prepared for the other side of the coin.
             

Full moon

"And don't forget to buy two new bulbs for the living room. It's not enough light in the evening. Ah...and also remember to talk to Mike. We need to renew our life insurances. The ones we have expire next week. I don't like him, but it's kind of late now to change the agent. What was in your head when you chose him beats me. Anyway, maybe I will cook some veal for dinner. It goes well with that wine received on your birthday. Are you listening to me?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I am."

"So why don't you say something?"

"When exactly?"

"Hmpff, you always behave like this. I talk, and talk and your mind who knows where it's wandering. If you do have some left mind in your empty head of yours. You said you would go for an interview today, early in the morning. It's 9 already. If you think this is how you are going to make more money, you are wrong. Are you still going?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I am."

"You forgot your cell on the kitchen table. And I wanted to play a game, while I was doing the coffee and I saw a message from a so-called IreneOffice, in which she informed you she would be late today. Since when this Irene is reporting to you? Is she in your team?"

"Yes, sweetheart, she is."

 "And why didn't she send you an email? You are a married man. Doesn't she know this?"

"She does, sweetheart."

"Well, tell her to stop this, or I will show her a piece of my mind. Pretty soon, I will get pregnant, I know for sure this time the treatment will bring results, and I want you clear of any temptations. I will go to the clinic tomorrow again, in the afternoon. I hope you will not come up with stupid excuses like you need to work or you are too tired. I am doing this for you. I could wait for some more years, but I know you men. Once I reach 30, you will be cheating on me big time. Are you listening to what I am saying?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I am."

.............................................................................................................................................

The night was quiet in their neighborhood. Only a couple of stray dogs were howling to the full moon. He changed the bulbs, and switched on the lights. The living room was shining brightly. He sat on the couch and started to smoke a cigarette. He moaned with pleasure.
After a while the ashes fell on the red carpet. He watched intensely the long, grey dusty matter, before crushing it with his right shoe.
He stood up, took his cell from the jacket pocket and dialed a short number.

"Good evening, I want to report a murder. I have just killed my wife."  

Doom's Day Diary - Day 21

So here we are, at the end of letting you have a peek-a-boo in my inner and not so inner life.

Thanks to all who stopped by and thanks to those who were afraid to read, too.

This end of the year will tell if 2013 will be a nightmarish one or a whatever one.

It is totally your choice.

You know what you have to do.

I have nothing to lose anymore.

And I am prepared, both for nightmares or for whatever.

If there had been a device to erase the memories, I would have chosen to use it without blinking.

And everybody would have been happy.

But there is no such thing.

In other news, I wish you all wisdom and genuine people in your life.

From today on, light started to get its power back.

And darkness will cringe.

It is again your choice.

To stay with the dark, or walk away with more light in your eyes.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 20

Do you know how it is to go and have your breasts stretched as if they were chewing-gum?

Do you know how it is to wait for a mammography result, while you are all alone?

Nobody by your side, nobody outside, nobody at home?

Can you even imagine the hollow feeling and the thick fear?

Can you picture a clinic as cold and as empty as a stadium in winter?

While people are running outside with gifts and colored wrapping paper?

The desperate moment when the doctor calls you inside.

And all you can do is keeping tight your mobile in your hand.

As a crutch.

Well, I have a wish for those who have hurt me on purpose, and without any proper reason these last 2 months.

I don't wish them a disease. Nope.

I wish them to feel the same one day. I wish them the same pain and loneliness.

For couple of moments.

And that day may they remember me.

Blessed be.

P.S. All the other daily events faded to the point of nothingness compared to this one. Now do you understand why I don't give a cockroach on you or some other low life?

P.P.S. I have developed a thing for cockroaches lately. They are disgusting and fascinating ugly. I used to be afraid of them. Not anymore. 

Doom's Day Diary - Day 19

Nostalgia hit from the very first hour in the morning.

The magic brought by night travels through the world of possibilities.

The passionate kiss.

The dream with the missing trains.

Even better the dream with the plane flying to New York, while I wanted to go into an opposite direction.

Freud would have called me a perfect subject for interpretations.

Forgetting irremediably about my eyes check appointment.

Like seriously. So thanks.

Turning off all the distractions and working like a maniac.

The joy, peace and relief of talking to my spectacular man.

Follow. Unfollow.

The burden of solid rock sadness.

For a second I thought tears dried out.

Nope.

Acknowledging the loss of some kilos.

Not impressed.

Fearing January darkness.