Friday, July 8, 2011

Adventure pack

So I have this soft spot for adventure movies as they remind me of childhood and of times when everything was possible. This is why I ended up with such a pack when I was at home in spring. On Monday I decided it is high time I plunged into fantastic deeds and awesome worlds. The outcome? Close to disaster and here it is why.

1. Beauty and the Beast (2009) - I have always loved the story, so I was preparing myself in a cozy position on the couch with a cup of hot tea, ready to let myself impressed by the beauty who will turn the monster into the prince. Bang... First of all, the Beauty was dressed in a mini tight leather skirt with an even tighter leather blouse, pushing up 2 impressive boobs and permanent erected nipples. Because of the nipples I managed to see the pouty botox full lips only toward the end of the movie. I watched it fascinated as this is the kind of production that should be studied by future movie makers in the category "NO - THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO MAKE A MOVIE! THIS IS HELL!"

2. The Season of the Witch (2011) - I think Nicolas Cage was in a coma when he signed to play in it. I still have to mention the dead monks, killed by black plague, turned into zombies and crawling on the walls and the ceiling of the monastery like some small coal dark bats, resembling for couple of seconds with small bombers (?!) making weird maneuvers. Awesome! To be seen only if you are drunk. Dead drunk.

3. The Phantom (2010) - Apparently this is the first of a mini-series, but I aint gonna search for the rest. If I want heroes who can fly, I watch Superman. If I want heroes with high-tech, indestructible costumes (Phantom's one is colored in purple!), I watch Batman or even better (Iron Man), if I want conspiracies I read Dan Brown. They tried to pull all of these together and the result is a non-convincing melange. On the plus side stays the good-bad Abel Vandermaark, who is ok as a dual character.

4. Sanctum (2011) - Explorers inside underground caves. Lots of water. Lots of deaths. Even more water. Play the first 5 minutes, so you can see the most impressive entrance in a cave, though if it is for real I am sure you will find it on youtube as well.

5. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2011) - I had the feeling Nicolas Cage made this movie on the same sets where no 2 above was shot. Same hair-cut, same clothes style. I guess these 2 came in the same offer. You know... 2 in 1. In the morning, you are a knight, in the evening you are a wizard. Try if you are a die-hard fan of Monica Bellucci and if you like iron made eagles flying.

6. The Seven Adventures of Sinbad (2010) - LOL. Double LOL. Triple LOL. Man...All of the above are diamonds, jewels. I would not spoil for you the pleasure of making acquaintance of the worst flick ever. But I cannot help myself and I have to describe one scene. Imagine some guys on an island, who are thrown in the middle of the ocean as the island turns to be a huge whale. After drifting for a while they are picked by some dinosaurs-birds and brought to another island to be eaten. In the next 5 minutes the guys pop up with things like torches, matches, lighters, lanterns and believe it or not even a GPS. Muahahahahaha.... I do not understand the 3 stars rating on IMDB. It is beyond my rational process.

7. True Grit (2010) - Western is not among my favorites, but I like Jeff Bridges, so I accepted this small derogation. Not a bad idea, as I enjoyed it for a one time watch. It's a simple and enjoyable story. Well played by everybody, and I have to give credit to the Coen brothers who this time delivered a decently directed product. For rainy afternoons.

8. Eight Below (2006) - Awwwwwwww.... This is a cuteness alert movie. With dogs. And not any dogs. Huskies and Alaskan Malamutes. If you do not hate snow like me, you will cry and clap. You will weep and yell. You will melt like an iceberg because of global warming. Beautiful and touching. Recommended for animal lovers, but also for people whose sensibility did not disappear. Thumb up.

To be continued, as the Adventure Pack still has some more offers in it. :)

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