Dream Journal - break

This will be a break in the communication.
Batteries need to be recharged.
We will continue when I consider it is worthy of my sleepless and restless nights.
Tiredness takes its toll. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 86 and 87

These were Insta related dreams.
The one last night though in which I was scolding you for playing "hearts and comments" with YS, was really amazing.
You were close.
You came to me.
You stayed.
And you sat.
No longer standing, walking, trodding, running away...
And while you didn't agree with me, while you were fighting with me, even dismissing my words at one point, you didn't leave, you didn't stop looking at me directly in my eyes.
It was a treat.
I noticed the presence of many people trying to grab your attention, but you were ignoring them.
That's good. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 83, 84, 85

Crass lack of time stopped me to write about this at first hour in the morning.
Yellow was the color of these nights, but mostly last night when even J popped up, happy, jumping, singing, in a yellow mustard jacket.
The new update didn't startle me this time.
I am already used now with seeing things happening under my eyes just to annoy and puzzle me even more.
Nevertheless... Things are changing in dreams. You tend to distance yourself, get cocky, and then quickly come back, with a humble posture.
Something new in my regard. While most of the time I just observe as an outsider, as a deus ex machina, I found myself accepting pity (?).
Again, Freud would be very happy. I am not.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 82

1:19
The hour I have woken up for the last six nights.
Not one minute earlier, not one minute later.
Always with your image. Sleepy one.
And a new smell in town.
Fresh, brisk, strong.
I keep going to the past.
In the first years.
Something needs to be discovered from that period.
Constantly searching during day time, but nothing pops up.
The dreams are the key, but they are still stubborn.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 77, 78,79, 80, 81

A longer hiatus.
Because nights were extremely weird.
With all sorts of peaks.
Pleasant and unpleasant.
Almost like a bipolar turmoil.
With flashes of high enthusiasm and deep moments of misery.
All overflowing in daylight.
Updates came in waves exactly as they appeared in dreams.
Sometimes I wish this was just a delusion.
But it's not... so I keep going.
Until when and why, I have no idea.
Wait for me.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 74, 75, 76

I have seen the mean you. But also the tender you.
The smells are back.
Food and perfume. Nothing I knew from before.
So close every time.
The bridges are getting stronger by the day.
The smiles more specific.
The second title was there too, three nights in the row.
Always forgetting when waking up.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 71, 72,73...

Gorgeous nights.
All mine.
With you in black and white.
Last night you mentioned Insta. Soon.
Dancing. Talking things. Approving, disapproving, laughing.
So many feelings.
So many thoughts.
Nobody else managing to penetrate the bubble.
A bit of a relief for a change.
More balanced days.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 69, 70

Who is Varan, the famous hair-designer and what does he have to do with me?
Also, the stalking of S.
Hand in hand.
And my kiss, splitting the other kiss between the twos.
Weirdly, no complaining.
Soft.
Drama is all set to begin.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 68

This has been one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had.
Because it was clear and full of love.
First of all, the drama flashes. Wow... I won't give details, but those postures and those bright colors.
I can't wait to see if they are really like this.
Then the duo... And the young one understanding everything and taking me by his side.
Determined to never let me go. Keeping me tight.
The concert.
Climbing stairs for a change.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 67

Just wow... The moon has always been by my side apparently.
A night like a Michelangelo piece of art.
That posture... Tall, shiny... Exactly like marble.
The dark-haired younger brother.
The long Spaniel cocker looking for his mama.
The applause.
The deserted world and the songs brought by the wind.
The smile at the end, when approaching with steady footsteps.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 64, 65, 66...

This has been a complete block out period.
Except flashes of a wedding dress, and the mysterious stack of white papers, the rest was an undefined mass out of which I couldn't grasp anything.
Only the sound of your voice penetrated the thick veil. Loud and crystal clear.
Especially at the moment of waking up.
Maybe because I managed to sleep just a few hours every night.
Maybe because the days became impossible almost.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 63

The highlight of the night was the email I received.
Unfortunately, written in a language I didn't understand.
Again a glitch in the Matrix.
But after that... a glorious day spent under bloomed cherry trees.
Falling asleep under their shadow.
The sudden wake up call, wake up, wake up, wake up until I opened my eyes.
It was 5 in the morning. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 61&62

All the gyphies in the world came to life.
With no logic whatsoever.
Swelling like ready to be born aliens.
Then jumping and turning into concrete versions of you.
The second night it was the videos' turn.
A super enhanced feeling of virtual reality.
Again the smell of freshly made coffee in the morning right near me.
Strong. As if a hot cup was right there.
Now it's clear. This year is just for strengthening the base.
You know better.
But I do have the right to contradict you.
And I will do this until you can hear.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 59&60

There is something happening over there.
We will not talk about the extraordinary facts of these two days when I asked and you listened.
I rarely believe in coincidences.
The red thread is weaving itself relentlessly.
But these two nights were very quiet, with you signaling me to cool down a bit.
Smiling too.
Concerned as well.
I have just realized that lately the doors/the windows/the mirrors/the tables/the physical objects that used to be in our path are gone.
Space is usually empty, open, but the distances are still significant.
I will wait.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 58.

Usually, when disheartenment occurs, caused by the other end of communication, the channel closes completely. Nothing related comes in.
This time you couldn't break through, but the other boys did.
We talked a lot, and things said were not the best.
Perfume starts to become a constant feature.
Haircut, too.
As an extra, elevators and cigarettes.
And lots of people from the past.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 57.

And now I remember that particular image from two nights ago.
As the dream came again.
Pushed through a door by a wave of people.
Falling in the middle of them.
Tramping all over you, as if invisible.
Exact clothes as I saw yesterday.
The celebration of the perfect match. And no, it's not a false memory.
The selfie.
The old streets.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 56.

Now I understand all that red from last night.
Bloody oceans.
Crimson fields.
Burgundy snakes.
Things are really complicated with you. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 55.

The case court was empty. Just me, you and a judge.
With a bang in the desk, he said:
"Half custody".
He repeated this like hundreds of times until I woke up with a startle. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 52, 53, 54

Crowds, crowds and more crowds.
Also the boys coming as groups now. In block. Every night.
Local stars too screaming about your soon to be presence.
Turmoil. Clouds running in the sky.
The isolation again. Which is quite explainable.
Dogs, many of them, too.
Like a big chaotic party.
Also... the mischievous part of yours. The mean one, too.
Expecting the angry one, soon.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 51.

A dream with astronauts. Brain camera zooming in your face through the thick glass of the visor. Smiling brightly.

Fever. Damped sheets. 

Shooing everybody out.

Long hours of struggle. 

And finally rising up on a rotating podium. In sparkling dark blue. 

Confident like never before. 

Understanding what is important.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 50.

Wow... So this is how perfect blank looks like. Scary.
You were drowning in a transparent mass.
I pulled you out with great difficulty.
Suffocating feeling.
You didn't see anything.
Then the obsessive white one more time. Long carpets, long drapes, long blankets.
A phone number I don't remember.
Startling when signing.
The flash of recognition.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 48 and 49.

Casual encounters. Small talks.
A perfect close-up. With your unique smile. Leaning a bit. Unexpectedly, I didn't hyperventilate.
Then the ceiling of my bedroom gorgeously painted with you. Waking up with my eyes in your eyes.
Some moments of isolation. Reading between the lines.
Listening to my requests, too.
And again the stack of white papers.
Patting them easily and asking me when we should start.
Unusual smells coming from nowhere.
Discovering new things.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 47.

I was visited by my own shaman apparently. He was surrounded by mist and smoke, dressed in the right outfit.
He insisted that you are not you. And that it is not meant to be.
But that we will be very good friends.
Instead, he told me that O is the one. Dressed in blue.
Is this why the shining boys also come to me constantly? 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 46.

As much as this is a journal that I write to myself, which most probably nobody reads, the few last nights included things that cannot be either described or presented. Not even in the usual cryptic mode.
Also others are pushing their ways constantly. Not that I mind, but still...
Overall... the fear of new beginnings.
And my bathroom, the space which constantly shows signs of bugs in the Matrix.
Otherwise, small things are coming my way, teasing me rather uncomfortably.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 45.

Again the four shiny boys in da house, as they say.
All smiling and telling me that they will wait.
But... but... but...but...
We know, but we will be waiting as long as it takes.
A big painting made by you, wrapped up nicely with a green ribbon.
Then a Ming vase. No flowers for now you said.
And then...a splitting crowd in a square market.
Leaves on the pavement. Emerald green. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 44.

Change of setting. Mountain area, I would say in the Alps.
Random meeting on a terrace.
Chatting over dinner, after the initial shock.
Again that feeling of normal, genuine, intimate.
The white phone and the stack of white paper, slowly shuffling through them.
I didn't dare have a look.
Floating like a dancer, with an impossible to read expression.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 43.

Now this was quite a gift.
A two hour concert, with songs I knew and with songs I didn't know, in a huge stadium like hall, just for me. Nobody else around, just you on the high stage.
For two hours straight I danced and sang along, quite vividly, surrounded by the white smoke.
This is how I explained my stiffness and painful eyes when I woke up.
The shiny checkered outfit. Black haired. Focused.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 42.

I did not expect to remember the dream. Too tired for this.
And still there you were, super active in nature.
I was watching on the side with a weird black clicker that looked more like a compass.
Ignoring the world around.
It was cold, but sunny.
Where is the water?
In the ocean. But it's salty.
I have my ways.
And morning came with a bang.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 41.

My dreams are long gone.
My only left dream is to sing and to dance.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I am. I cannot take back the things I lost.
But other things are to be taken.
The new hair-cut.
The weird sign on the right cheek. Like an unknown letter.
Walking out the door and then turning back.
Thank you bom-bom, for everything.
The shining smile from the past.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 39 & 40.

Long conversations in a mysterious language.
Delicate topics, which cannot be reproduced.
Even yelling.
For two nights in a row.
Bitter and uncomfortable truths were uttered.
And still.... No hard feelings.
More like in a purification process.
Everything in black and white. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 38.

Again the past with all its darkness lingering in the background.
Youth years, regrets and melancholy.
All in a very odd suffocating room with moving walls.
Stumbling and falling, but getting up again and again.
We did some exercises I would say.
Up...up...up in the air now.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 37.

A freaking vacuum cleaner?
Playing the piano.
Sleeping.
And talking a lot on the phone, while striding through the house.
Big mirrors everywhere.
                                                           *
Day time:
- the infamous article that managed to inflame me
- South Korea stunning victory that brought me so much joy.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 36

My other biased four heart-broken boys shined through all night long, telling me stories...
Also...
How to stop time.
When time stops.

What are the odds?

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 35

Ugh...ogh... what a night!
All scenes from BOF replayed over and over with a different touch.
Much talking, much connection, blankets, tight hugs.
Everything was peaceful. Everything was how it it was supposed to be. Everything was natural.
Finally, everybody else was beyond our circle just watching and waiting.
I want more of this.
It was the night when the skies opened and the worlds mingled under the healing energy. No wonder.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 34

Movie! Movie! Movie!
Action movie to the core.
The setting, a huge roof.
You surrounded by men. Men in black.
G-Men. Hoover's men.
The footage was done from above.
Everything looked spectacular.
Bringing them down one by one.
Me liked it. A lot.
Fighting!
P.S. In real life, mom asking out of the blue when I am going to talk to you. As if... To stop the awkwardness, the white headsets and the iPhone screen to the rescue. Your story this time. She sent you a kiss. I ended up blushing like a teenager. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 32&33

Even the dreams can look like a cabbage sometimes.
Unattractive, with hundreds of curly layers, and completely tasteless if salt and pepper are missing.
This is how it looked my night world in the last two days.
In spite of your crystal clear presence in white, in a white room, checking the apps on a white phone.
GD also in it. Powerful, triggering lapses and falls into the darkest of pits.
I think he is a side effect of the wide opened channel like never before.
Still looking for an explanation, a lesson, a road to follow. Cause otherwise, this is useless for everybody and a huge waist of energy. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 31

The black buzzing butterfly.
The tech guy with his face hidden behind the cap who came to sign a new contract.
Again all the people around you wanting something.
Mixed images of the past.
Impossible to describe flashes of the future.
I think even the Universe is kind of at a loss.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 30

I knew I talked about him right before I went to sleep.
But still... To have KJH in my dream was an unexpected thing even for me.
He is still here. This is what he said.
He seemed neutral. Nor sad, nor happy. Just being.
He talked a lot with his mother and I was a simple witness.
Then... you through the haze, still restless.
Kkumkkuneun. With open eyes.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Days 28, 29

Coconut.
Bracelets. I repeat, bracelets.
Still hiding.
The others are fleeting like spots on a photo.
Quickly, with no real anchorage.
One perfect, clear tear.
Drip-drop.
I have never seen such stubbornness.
Just open up already.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Days 26, 27.

Your cockiness and mistakes were shining brightly.
Painful to watch.
Indifference. This was the worse.
On the edge desperation.
The belly button.
And then, for two days in a row, waking up in the strong aroma of freshly made coffee.
Though... there was nobody around to make that coffee.
It was sick. And scary.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Days 23, 24, 25.

Still just a persistent hovering shadow, while the others are in for a treat. And when I say others, I mean everybody around you. Tiring like hell, even for a dream. 
Instead... days are worse now.
With acute restlessness.
And vivid flashes.
The past is still strong. Hitting hard when least expected.
Even in the middle of hundreds of people.
When alone, the cunning damned snake is showing its ugly head, trying to use its sharp fangs.
Uuljeung.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 22.

I have never seen a more untouchable and grieving sea.
Again a glass barrier.
It was a sad dream. A very sad one.
With empty rooms and opened and closed doors in a never-ending run.
Blinding shades of blue and grey.
Somewhere in the distance, a sparkling yellow, but jumpy and trembling.
Balgyeon.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 21.

OK. That was one heck of a party.
Now everybody wanted something.
Including Liza Minelli.
This was not a dream. It was a chaos.
Everybody was staying in line just to connect.
Much obliged, but the deal was different in my mind.
Your ghost still hovering in the background.
Bizarre.
I think tech support is needed.
Vanilla Sky?

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 20.

Well, apparently the boys don't want this to be over.
Secondary routes taken.
Pleading and bargaining.
This time the smile was mine.
Also the parents discovering you and dancing.
A cool moment like no other.
Epiphany actually.
Maybe there is still a lesson to be learned.
Innae. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 19.

Communications channels closed.
I am happy to see you smiling more.
Mission accomplished for now.
Fighting! :)

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 18.

Things are not always pink.
The nightmares came too.
When the darkness wanted to steal the light and the white dog was whining in front of the closed door. Over and over again.
So much fear and dread.
Also, the glass wall. Where I could see, but you could not.
The faint smile, a shadow of what it used to be.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Special edition.

"Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time."
Jorge Luis Borges

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 17.

:) A clear flash. So clear. With so much light.
"Never let me go. Take my hand!"
It startled me so badly, that I woke up. Two o'clock in the morning.
Useless to say, no more sleep for me. :)
Happy Birthday and may you shine bright forever. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 16.

A day in which respect for you and the others prevail.
Sharing.
See you tomorrow. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 15.

A dream about a walk. A catwalk.
Fashion much?
An interesting glitzy style.
And a mask covering only half of your face.
Freud would be smirking by now.
And still...
Tashi.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 14.

The LOL dream came in as well.
Rapping away.
"Since I was trapped/
For two years straight/
My heart an iron plate/
In the castle of hate."
The song is stuck in my mind.
I will recognize it when the time comes.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 13.

Crystal clear dream. No shades, no blurred images.
PJM, wearing a cute cap, was begging me to wait, to stop the insanity as he has a letter, which will be revealed to the world.
I stood still for a second, but I didn't betray you.
How could I?
The rush of all the bad things that need to be forgiven.
Yongseo.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 12

A night of reflection about the challenging past.
Mesmerized with the things you needed to go through. More or less similar with my own, exactly during the same period.
How is this possible?
Trying to put together all the missing links.
The symmetry of events is uncanny.
The white dots in the photo while watching your eyes with the same dots.
Flashes from the future.
Aliens.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 11.

So everything started four years ago.
This time not a night dream.
Various versions of the same scene with the boys.
Five short letters written with love.
Heartbreaking reactions.
Fire and ice in your eyes.
A never-ending bridge.
Like a red thread.
Unmyeong.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 10.

Relatively peaceful images.
Relaxed body.
A hint of nostalgia.
The white headsets.
And then... the thrills and the restlessness.
The sparkling lights.
The long look into the mirror.
Everything will be all right.
Nae soneul jaba.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 9.

Almost falling off the couch. I laughed with my eyes closed.
So deep the dreams, that I moved into bed only at 5 in the morning.
The full team reunited as one.
As always, your intriguing statue-like expression.
The warmth of the boys.
Sinful thoughts.
The crushing memory of that year when you could have become what you were meant to become.
One day, this needs an explanation.
Why was the door closed? 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 8.

Dubbing...
Warriors. Again.
The silver ring with a ribbon.
Overdrive.
Specters through the haze.
Fear of rejection. 

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 7.

Much needed hiatus.
New things about who you really are and who you really want to be.
Paper, scissors, rock. Rock?
The complete shutdown.
The strand of gray hair.
Stunning, modest and smart? Impossible.
The vibrato from your voice. It is there, but hidden. It wants to get out.
Open up.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 6.

A night of one-sided confessions. Tough ones. On that frail edge which slips into madness and desperation.
When you hang on things with the horrific anticipation that nothing can be done anymore.
When hope becomes a measure of craziness.
Hey... Hey... Break it... Break it... Break it down!

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 5.

Lots of turmoil in this one.
The library seemed like a perfect place for reading a letter about being small and insignificant.
The endearing wave of cheerful memories when you still could smile.
Then the empty big jars ready to be filled up.
The red and sparkling diamond-shaped wound.
The two ants running away.
Trying to break the chain made by warriors.
Apayo.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 4.

The two fortresses of Mtri and Ptri. You tell me what they are.
Your stubborn profile. The determination to continue.
The solitude.
O to kara go heyo. I think the cry crossed at least three oceans and back.
The three parallel lines mark on the right cheek. Long, short, long again.
Does it mean anything?
Find.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 3.

Dead like sleep. Much needed after the last days of complicated internal travels.
Still... The Osaka moment was running in the background like an annoying mosquito.
The 'o' in a love like this.
Kneeling crushed in the sea waves.
The need to be worshiped one more time.

Dream Journal - KHJ. Day 2.

The annoying pain in the left leg tibia.
All your songs in a big white box.
No people around.
The byte mark on the right cheek.
The obsessive dorangada in the background.
Can it get more bizarre than this? 

Dream Journal - KHJ

Finally the channels opened up. The charity setting kind of puzzled me. Your presence, of course not. I called you and you came. The power of dreams world is still... unbreakable. Though...why the comforting arms of the Prince? And the protecting blanket?
What are you trying to tell me? Your story?
What am I trying to tell you? My story?

To be continued...