Doom's Day Diary - Day 21

So here we are, at the end of letting you have a peek-a-boo in my inner and not so inner life.

Thanks to all who stopped by and thanks to those who were afraid to read, too.

This end of the year will tell if 2013 will be a nightmarish one or a whatever one.

It is totally your choice.

You know what you have to do.

I have nothing to lose anymore.

And I am prepared, both for nightmares or for whatever.

If there had been a device to erase the memories, I would have chosen to use it without blinking.

And everybody would have been happy.

But there is no such thing.

In other news, I wish you all wisdom and genuine people in your life.

From today on, light started to get its power back.

And darkness will cringe.

It is again your choice.

To stay with the dark, or walk away with more light in your eyes.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 20

Do you know how it is to go and have your breasts stretched as if they were chewing-gum?

Do you know how it is to wait for a mammography result, while you are all alone?

Nobody by your side, nobody outside, nobody at home?

Can you even imagine the hollow feeling and the thick fear?

Can you picture a clinic as cold and as empty as a stadium in winter?

While people are running outside with gifts and colored wrapping paper?

The desperate moment when the doctor calls you inside.

And all you can do is keeping tight your mobile in your hand.

As a crutch.

Well, I have a wish for those who have hurt me on purpose, and without any proper reason these last 2 months.

I don't wish them a disease. Nope.

I wish them to feel the same one day. I wish them the same pain and loneliness.

For couple of moments.

And that day may they remember me.

Blessed be.

P.S. All the other daily events faded to the point of nothingness compared to this one. Now do you understand why I don't give a cockroach on you or some other low life?

P.P.S. I have developed a thing for cockroaches lately. They are disgusting and fascinating ugly. I used to be afraid of them. Not anymore. 

Doom's Day Diary - Day 19

Nostalgia hit from the very first hour in the morning.

The magic brought by night travels through the world of possibilities.

The passionate kiss.

The dream with the missing trains.

Even better the dream with the plane flying to New York, while I wanted to go into an opposite direction.

Freud would have called me a perfect subject for interpretations.

Forgetting irremediably about my eyes check appointment.

Like seriously. So thanks.

Turning off all the distractions and working like a maniac.

The joy, peace and relief of talking to my spectacular man.

Follow. Unfollow.

The burden of solid rock sadness.

For a second I thought tears dried out.

Nope.

Acknowledging the loss of some kilos.

Not impressed.

Fearing January darkness.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 18

Peak of nausea. Sartre would have been proud of me.

When evil is not around, waters are calmer, though boiling deep down.

Cringing at lack of time.

The rising pressure of Christmas holidays.

Each second passing by... an effort similar to the ones I believe only a woman in labor can experience.

When you feel that your entire body collapses, but you are screaming for life.

Doing something out of nothing.

Educating.

People getting even more insane.

Shutting down the engines of anger.

Ignoring the world problems. And not because I don't care. But because I can't anymore.

I have become a ball of pain hiding inside my own bigger ball of pain. A "mise en abime" torment.

Loss outbursts and tearing in the corners.

Unseen.

Invisible.

"Cinematic" fantasies.

The made promise shall be kept.

Amen.

Doom's Day Diary - Special Edition

Today I am not going to talk about myself.

Today I am going to give credit to the most spectacular man I have ever met.

Today I am going to say thank you to the man who has always kept his promises.

To the man who has always spoken to me in facts, and not in words.

I know he is reading my blog from time time.

I know he will recognize himself and I hope he will smile.

We met in special circumstances and this is how our relationship has stayed for more than a decade: special.

He saw me in my strong moments, but also in my weak ones.

He saw me beautiful and not so beautiful.

He watched over me, without judging. Instead he was guiding me with his silence and his deeds.

We don't talk much nowadays, but when we do, each and every word has heaviness.

He is the rock, which never asks for anything in return.

He is the only one who "fixed" things for me, exactly at the right moment.

Because he believed in me from day 1. Unconditional.

Because I believed in him from day 1. Also unconditional.

Because he is exactly how a man should be. Strong, objective, but also sensitive and deep.

Because he is the only one who can look into my eyes, while shameful and hurtful tears are shed.

And because he knows how to smile and tell me without words that everything will be just fine.

Because he cares. Genuinely.

And because he has always known to accept my love and respect with the elegance of a gentleman.

I look up to him. I will always do. Because he is really a Man.

Thank you, Angel.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 16

Again one of those dreams where I could touch you.

Where you were waiting for me.

And only me and you know how incredibly well you master the waiting.

If my connection with you hadn't been that strong, most probably I would have remained in the dream.

Life though, more specifically the phone, pulled me off paradise.

I thanked to my sisters in nature who listened to my plea.

Because a plea coming from a pure heart always finds its way to our ancestors.

Filing official complaints.

Pizza and green salad.

The mask.

My best friend's reassuring words. Her sarcasm and understanding, in spite of calling me crazy for accepting this crappy situation.

For showing too much understanding.

"Burn down the mother fuckers. Who cares about the mess you will swim in? I will be here with you all the way."

Molding the hatred into love for myself and for the one who died.

Filling the emptiness with more emptiness.

I understood that the world as I knew was no more.

Adapting.

Doom's Day Diary - Day 15

Not even 10 days have passed since I told you one of the possible options: let me imagine you died.

Outraged, you asked me: how can you think of such an extreme solution? Can't we be just friends?

Couple of days later, who was the extreme exterminator?

Without even having a decent, polite good-bye?

Just because you were threatened?

If you consider yourself tough, why don't you tell your friends, your family and the world what you did?

I give you this chance. By the end of December.

And you will spare me of the effort.

Trying my new blender.

Awesomeness.

I unfriended  you several days back. It wasn't enough.

You blocked me. AGAIN without a proper Social Media reason.

This time I will file an official complaint.

I do not accept cheap and hurting gestures imposed by a total stranger, who better takes some spelling classes.

As a matter of fact, ANY classes.

The countdown began.